Thursday, March 30, 2006
Hey, here I backed again, its 9:10 in the morning, and i haven catch a wink. Seriously, my eyes are tired, but my brain is still running like mad.. So thats Y i cant sleep. Of course, i came here to write something that is running in my brain right now..
Baby, maybe you are right.. I realise something about me that maybe is wrong. I never serious about things that i doing, well, maybe a few things, like things that are dead, i dead serious about it. I done projects, events, outings, camps, you name it, for many kinds of people, different levels. And people who worked with me, knows that i am always serious when i doing those things.. But how about relationships? Not juz, gals and boys, but also my family, my frenz.. To speak the truth, i am running away from my family, sometime, i feel that its better for me to live alone.. Ya, people often asked me, "hey you dun need to go home?" Ya, i dun miss home, I live in Shanghai for a month plus and i never call back, i never have the miss feeling, and i always blame my family for that, because what happened in the past, that cause me to feel that this family is weird, i staying in because i need a roof above my head, or i need someone to feed me. And if i could, i wont be staying there. Ya but actually, it should be my fault, i never made the effort to be in the family, i seen alot of families, that hang out together, they talked about things.. But i din, most of the time, i perfer to say,"nevermind, it doesnt matter" to any questions they ask.. Is it fair to them? I dun know..
As for frenz, i could say i never have true frenz, maybe a handful of trustworthy frenz, but frenz that sit down and listen to you, its hard. Maybe because, i never sit down and listen to them, whenever they have problems, i often make a joke out of it.. Partly i feel that i wan to make them happy, but serious thinking, i doubt it is. Listening is a great part to understanding, and its because of my joky way, they think its not nice to tell me everything.. Maybe.. I always wanted frenz to listen to what i have to say, what i feel.. But sometime, i dun have them, because i was being betray before, ya it did happen.. And i am so upset abt it.. Someone that i trusted so well, betrayed me, how it feels?
Ever wondered y i always smiling, maybe because i running away, i trying to brush away responsiblities.. Maybe.. I seriously dun know.. Maybe i too childish, at my age, i should be more mature than anyone else, but i din act one.. Ya, i can be very funny, but is it out of hand? Ya i think so, i trying to act that nothing happened, and its going to be easy, and i laugh.. Is it so? Being with baby told me alot of things, not that she told me, but the way she handled things, frenz, works, told me alot of things, things that i start to realise onli now.. Maybe thats y i dun have a stable relationship, because i never serious in one.. I been funky to everyone and everyone looks at me in this way.. Maybe.. Thats y no one trusted me to be serious, when i am serious, no one believes me.. Ya.. Maybe i should be acting like a 25 years old guy now, not a 18 years old kid out there.. Maybe baby is juz right abt me, and for a serious relationship, she wont look for me.. I have to agree with that. Maybe its time for me to different out between serious and my old self. Of course i wont be like a stubborn old dude out there, i believe that being serious is in the tone and actions. I wan to protect ppl that i love, that i care, listen to ppl that needs someone to listen to, stand up for ppl. i wan to, i always wanted to, but i think i used the wrong way to express myself. I too confusing now.
Grow up larry, its time for me to wake up from young, to be honest, i not young, its time to fight for it. :)
Cheers good nite.. I lost.
Noted my chronicles at 9:11 AM
