Wednesday, August 30, 2006
What you guys seeing now is what i actually wrote last night, because my internet is down, i have to write this on a paper. Or else i wont be able to sleep. So what you seeing here is written in the middle of the night, using my PDA as the source of light to write on the piece of paper using a green pen. I just finished watching the LakeHouse, and i will say that even though the storyline is very simple, its still make some sense when the guy actually make the effort to try to meet the gal, no matter whether it is 2 years that they are apart. I always wonder how is it like to like someone in the future, yet though u can see her, but she wont know who u are, cause we are still seperated by the time different.
Why will i suddenly wanted to write this? Not long ago, i was talking to xiwen online, and she mentioned about her relationship with jason, lots of problems, yet they are still together, well consider its xiwen and jason, its a good sign le. But htat is not the story here, the line is, i mentioned to her that, i missed someone alot. Well, i looked back at what i have done to her so far, and hurting her so much. After her, i had only another short relationship, those other liking wont last long due to a reason that i mention later. Also, audrey told me, why get yourself involved in a relationship, and get hurt time and time? Surprisingly, she's right, why we need? Then i realized that to me, its very simple, when you decided to be with her or him, its the time when you wanted to send every moments with them and share your sorrows and their sorrows.
And i should say tat the previous relationship is bad, because all the while, i trying to fill up a hole that i created myself with someone. When i was with her, i din treasure her existence and tend to find new things and think they are better, in the end, giving up her and hurting her badly. Who is she, you guys may wonder. No doubt, the gal is li ping. Ya, i know some of you will be shocked while some have guessed correctly.(Siti i know you will be dead shocked) Alot of time, we can be deceiving ourself and thought that we are right, just because we wanted to save our faces. Even since i din go back to magnum, things btw me and her changed, and bad, ever since i initated the break up. I wont try to explain myself why i did all that and came back here and say all this again. I will say that i am sorry to her, and everything i did. Why regret now? Some of you might ask, there is a saying, you only know the importance of the thing only when you lost it, but when you decided to find it back again, someone have picked it up, and put it back into one piece. No matter how the situation have become, i can only stand outside of the window to look at it.
I still rem the time when we last talked on phone, i could seriously feel her sorrow, and i no doubt felt the pain also, but i disregard it, went on with it. And eventually, she broke down really bad, I still keep quiet abt it. Thinking that its not her that i wanted. But in fact, i so wrong. I freq finding excitment in relationship and this kind of game have made me realized how bad a bf i have been. I do LOVE her, and just because there is a new gal on the block, i sway around to take a look, eventually, disregard of her. All this while, most of you heard stories from ppl or from this blog that i met some gal, or met who, but so? I have no intention to continue with them. i also dun know why this will happen. So let me go on then.
So finally, i got the chance to see her again, cause her thing is with me, i have to go down to magnum to pass to her. So last monday, i went down, and i totally feel weird, not because of the juniors or magnm, but actually i dun dare to face her. I wanted to talk to her, but i can't bring myself to do so. I hoping that she will approach me and maybe from there, things will start to pick up. But no she din. In the end, she just took from me and walked away, no other things, no space around. I stole some glances on her, but she never looked towards me, hoping for just one look, and give her a nice smile, but it never happen. Her back is always towards me, and then i know how hurting it have become on her that makes her so. She did HATE me.
The happiest moments that i have with her will be during the bangkok trip, though we are not together most of the time, only at the end of the trip, but at the time, i know that i do love her, and wanted her to be by my side, she did, and i am very happy. But then, the question comes, why i answer no when she asked me? Ya, i also want to know why, i hate myself for that thrill thing i wanted. And i truthfully understand that it really takes 2 hands to clap, and 2 person to make life interesting. I know by now, alot of ppl will see this, and say that i am a jerk. Ya i agree with that. I admit my mistakes and my decisions and i accept what have become of me now. I not hoping for any acceptance from her, but i really hope that she will talk to me again, like before. Though i know it will be very hard, but thats my hope for now, make it my birthday wish for now, and for ever.
Is it too late to start all this craps and say i still love her and hopefully things will turn around after what i done? I know alot of people will think that way. Its never too late, but I have to start somewhere. though its still true, but i never thought that she will come back to me, and like i said, its already done, and nothing can reverse it. I do lie, and the biggest lie that i made is to her. She did come to my life, and completed it, share my dreams, my ideas. But i let it slip through. I took things for granted, esp her. She have a bf now and i know she is happy, and i wish her happy too.
Weird, why will i choose to write on a blog and let everyone see it, and then let people comments, to me, very simple, its because i wan her to see this and i will say: Sorry, I won't ask for your forgiveness, but I will ask for you to be happy and stay happy. And no matter how hard its for you to believe, I do love you, and i meant every words i said to you in bangkok. If my magic can work here, i will bring back the time to when we just met and i will treasure you like my heart.
Cya, As Always.
Larry
Noted my chronicles at 2:47 PM
